Snoring Duck

Stress..

Hi there...

As the title says this entry is about stress.

Something I am, sadly, dealing with right now. And not just this moment, no, I have been dealing with it for the past one and a half, maybe two years. And its really frustrating.
Stress makes me sad. Stress makes me tired. Stress makes me even more stressed and stress hurts my body...
It makes me feel insecure, it makes me feel like everything I do takes a big chunk of energy out of me. It makes it hard to focus.

There are lots of things that stress me out right now.
Not being able to follow school all to well because of stress is one of them. Why can't I follow school all to well because of the stress? Because stress makes me tired. Which, in turn, makes that I stress about not being able to follow school. Do you notice the lovely little spiral in this?
Not being sure about the people around me is an other stress factor. And I don't mean my friends (and some of the classmates I already consider friend) but the people outside my little friend bubble. There are just some people I can't handle right now and that gives me stress as well. Like some of my housemates. Or some other people.
Homework kind of gives me stress to. I really need to make a list on the things I should make, because I keep forgetting (being extra chaotic is a side effect of stress, too) and then I end up stressed because I forgot to make it.

And the 'best' thing about stress? It can leave its mark on you for about half a year, sometimes even a year. Yay, great.

I'm really happy that I have so many people supporting me. They keep me going and keep me from being a coward and running away. Love you girls (and guys).

~

On a happier note. I really love my Japanese classes. The Japanese teachers are all really nice and I love the way they teach us they're language. I am trying my best with studying.
Living on my own is going really well as well. I love cooking. When I have time I am going to try out baking too.

Thats it for now,
*waves* baibai
chibiohimesama

Confuseld

Hi,

I'm confuseld. Yesterday really upset me and now I've gone to school 2 hours earlier then my first class because I was SURE it said 8.45... which it doesn't....
And I don't like being alone...
*pouts*
O well, I guess things like this happen to everyone. Hopefully today will be a better then then yesterday. And I really hope I don't start hyperventilating in my Japanese class. I'm really afraid of that right now...
Wish me good luck?

chibiohimesama

(ps. Yes confused is written wrong and yes I did it on purpous)

Sometimes...

Hi there,

I just want to write a little, so here I go.

I had a small panic attack today, followed by a hyperventilating attack that lasted from 1 pm to 7.30 pm or something. I'm used to having small panic attacks. I just try to stay as calm as possible. If I start panicking it just gets worse. But the hyperventilation was awful.
My mom and sister both have hyperventilation, where they have big attacks. So I know what they are. I already had small ones. But because I know what they are I could control those. But this one was big, really big, it was really awful.

What caused this panic and hyperventilation? I can't help but be slightly ashamed of it, but a classmate caused it. An absent classmates. While we were having a presentation in class.
And the stress of having our first real Japanese speaking class, with a real Japanese teacher, along with the fear of not doing it right, and failing.

Now something like this really shouldn't cause me to hyperventilate, should it? It really shouldn't. But it does. Now I do have to admit there's a lot more to the classmate story then just the above, but I'm not going to post it all on the internet.

And I have a huge fear of failure. My failure. My thoughts behind that are these:
If I fail something I will look stupid and people will think I'm stupid and not like me and thus I will end up alone.
Stupid? Yes. I can't get out of this way of thinking as fast as I wish I could, but luckily I at least know I'm not the only one with this way of thinking. And I know failure won't mean people will start disliking me. It helps.... but I still fear failing.

On the bright side:
I had a great birthday <3
I got 'happy birthday' wishes from a lot of friends (which makes me feel really loved)
A friend all but dragged me to go and get 'friet' with her friends (she didn't want me to be alone on my birthday).
And after I got home a housemate had baked me a pie <3 (we ate it with the whole house)

It was my first birthday away from home. And at first I was really sad. Because of personal reasons we're not celebrating my birthday until... November? That got me really sad (even if it means that in November we will get the whole family together). But this totally made my day. <3

I also want to say I miss my friends from my old school, I think of you a lot <3
And I really like my new friends, the ones I made at my new school. I hope we will have a fun school period together <3

Chibiohimesama

My little place for me.

Hello there,

It's just a short post today.


But I wanted to tell you all about a place that's really special to me.


I always look forward for the time I can take my place in this little spot again. I regret the times I have to say goodbye to that spot, even if I know that spot will return. I look forward to this place for me almost every day of the year. Because I really feel it's that special little spot just for me. I can forget, I can have fun, I can be happy and sparkly and be me. It's a very nice spot.

It's the little spot I fill when I'm working as a Maid in the Dutch Maid Cafe at the anime conventions in Holland. It's my little spot at Sparkling Potpourri.



I might not be the best maid, or the cutest. But I love my little spot as a Sparkling Potpourri maid with all my heart and I hope I can keep on being a Sparkling Potpourri maid for many many many years to come.

I just wanted to tell the world how much I love my little spot.

If you can, please come see us at one of the dutch conventions and help me and the rest of the maids to stay with you for many many many years.

*waves* baibai

chibiohimesama

The here and now.

Hi there,

I wanted to write a bit about 'the here and now' for me.
Why I want to write about something like that? Because it is really important to me to live in the here and now, instead of the past, or the future.

I used to live in the past. I used to think about all the things I did wrong, all the things that where good and all the things I wanted to return too.
There's a lot I wanted to change. I wanted to change that I never played with children my age. I wanted to change that I never paid attention in class. I wanted to change that no one liked me, no matter how hard I tried to have them like me.
I wanted to correct all the errors I made with friends. I wanted to re-do all the bad grades I got. I wanted to be better.
I wanted to return to the happy innocent days of my childhood, where I'd sit in a little circle with all my plush and have a tea party, a school or a therapy session because my bear was o-so-sad.
I wanted to return to the happy days with a dear friend of me who I chased away.
But the past is something that happened. The past is something that was. The past can never be again. What if's and I should have done it differently's won't get you anywhere. The past is the past and will always be nothing but the past. Happy memories, sad memories. Things that have been.
I don't know when it happened but I got to a point where I accepted this. Its okay like this. I can't change that which has been, but I can learn from my mistakes. And I will.

I've spend days thinking of the future. As a child you think of what you're doing to be, what your doing to do. I wanted to be a fish breeder or a cat breeder. I wanted to be a Prima Ballerina. I wanted to be a Cello soloist. I wanted to be perfect, I wanted to be a fashion designer, I wanted to be.... There's so many things. So many things I wanted to be.
But have you ever thought of being happy and healthy, having a place in the world that you like? It would be strange, no? To be asked what you want to be and answer "I want to be happy and healthy". Even though its something we all want to be, you never hear one say it when asked what they want to be. But in that long long list of things you want to be, isn't being happy and healthy the most important thing? I think it is.
Maybe we should all start answering we want to be happy and healthy when someone asks us what we want to be and say what we want to do, or become, when they ask us what we want to do, or become.

And because I want to be happy and healthy, I started to live in the now. I want to work on the me in the current time, not the future, or the past. Now is the only time we have right now. So thats the time we should live our life's in, or at least that's my opinion.
So I'm going to do my best in school. I'm going to study hard and get good grades. I'm going to try and live healthy, eating healthy, drinking a lot of water and taking the bike instead of the bus, even when its raining.
And most importantly, I'm going to work on the Me I have now. I'm going to learn from my past and change what I can so I won't make the same mistakes again. I'm going to work hard for a pretty, happy and healthy future. I'm going to work for a place in the future that is just for me. And I'm doing so day by day, month by month. I'm doing so in the here and now.

And that is why the here and now is so important to me.
I wonder what your opinion is.

Thats it for now.
Back to my studies.

*Waves* BaiBai

Chibiohimesama

Hi there,

I just felt like writing this early morning.

I'm feeling happy right now. I'm loving being on my own, having my own things to take care of and not having all kinds of people bossing me around and telling me what I should and should not do. It feels like freedom (even with all the homework) to be able to do my own thing, live my own pace.

I'm feeling better now. Better then I did half a year ago. Or even year ago. Intern really wasn't a nice experience for me. I was already afraid of the intern because my last inturn didn't go all to well. Because of personal reasons and a huge miscommunication I got kicked out of my first internship. The second internship was nice, the people were nice to me, but I hardly did anything other then pulling out threats and stitches.
Because of that I got introduced to a Comstume/Carnival atelier. So I could learn to make special cloths and costumes. But in truth it was a Costume/Carnival RENTAL and a change/repair atelier. I stayed there because I wanted to finish the inturn, prove myself I could do it. Though I have to say I learned a few new tricks there and that the lady and her husband where nice to me, the inturn period messed me up. They both didn't say things directly and didn't show their emotions, at all (she looked moody when talking in a sugery laced voice to her grandchild).
That is why I think you should always be direct to people about things that bother you. Not in a rude way, but in a polite but direct way, after or during the happening of the annoyance. Don't let it bottle up inside and then let it out when the other person maybe already forgot about it.
That's what happened with them. After a while I started always worrying if I did everything okay, or if they where mad at me without me knowing. It really damaged my trust in people, my self-worth and self confidence.

And the exama pretty much ruined my love for making/designing cloths. Why? I didn't do my thing during my exams. I was so focused on doing what I thought other people expected of me, what I knew would get me the right grades to pass the exam, that I forgot to do my own thing with my collection and, more importantly even, have FUN during the process of making my collection.
For those who haven't followed it: I am now a graduated tailored fashion specialist and during my exam I had to make a perfectly tailored and costom made collection existing out of 5 clothing pieces. For me that was a bodysuit, a (plastic see-trough) jacket, a waist pants, a top, a dress and a gilet.
The exams, my not doing my own thing and just everything together ruined my love for making cloths. It took me quite a while to recover from that. I was afraid to finish the maid costumes I've been entrusted with, as well as the Princess Princess (anime) dress that I was asked to make. I had lost all confidence in myself.
So you should always do what feels best, what feels right to you. Don't just do things because other people expect you to do it, it will only make you feel bad and ruin the love you have for the things you're doing.

I've gotten it back now. My self confidence, my wanting to do my own thing, my trust in me. I have really enjoyed finishing the maid costumes and the Princess Princess dress. I'm even thinking of making my own cloths again, not just costumes. Living on my own really did me well. I'm growing up a bit, learning new things and discovering new things. I'm becoming a bit more me each day. And I love it. I love me!

I want to write about the maid costumes next time. Maybe I will.
I have to go to school now though :) I wish you all a happy day.

And remember: Always do what feels right and follow your heart.

*waves* baibai
chibiohimesama.

New chapters.

Hello there,

This little princess has been a busy little princess these past few weeks.
Like you might have read in earlier posts, I've started the new chapters of my lige called: A new study, as well as the chapter called: Living on my own.
I wanted to tell you a bit about both of them.

A new study.
2 Weeks ago i started my new study. For those who are wondering, I am studying Japanese. We're going to be educated to be an intermediary in English-Japanese International businesses.
The first week was the introduction week. We met our classmated and some really nice second graders showed us around the school. I have to say I really like my class.
We're all rally different from eachother, but we get long quite well. At least I think we do. I relaly like it that we al have a love for the Japanese language. I think it is because of that, that we get along so well. I hope we all become friends, somewhat, and will have a nice school period.
The second week we had our first classes. It was really different from what I'm used to, as i have studied (and graduated) to become a tailored/costom made cloths specialist before. It's a lot of theoratical stuff and a lot more homework then I'm used to. But even so I'm having a lot of fun. I'm discovering new parts of myself. And I really like studying from books a lot.
I can't wait untill we get started in our real Japanese study books. We are going to use the Japanese study books called: Minna no Nihongo (みんなの日本語). I'm really excited about going to use them. I have to admit that up untill now I only know the Hirigana (and it takes me a bit to recognize them when I'm reading a text, BUT I'm already quite happy about how well it's going). I was studying my Katakana when I decided I needed to put an entry on my blog <3.

Living on my own.
Now living on my own is a whole lot different from what I expected it to be. Sure I have a lot of fun taking care of myself, doing my own cooking and having a place (a whole 11 square meter) to call my own. But the housemate thing is a bit tricky every now and then.
Now don't get me wrong, I have housemates that are really nice. But some of them are a bit... messy. And I really like clean. And most of my housemates are really outgoing people, they go out, drink, have parties and the likes. And I don't go out, drink (a lot) or do just the general student stuff. But it's just the start of the school year so who knows how that will turn out to be later on.
I'm doing really well with cooking and cleaning my own (and sometimes my floor mates) dishes. The problem is doing my own laundry. Not that I don't know how to do it, because I do. But we have to buy coins for the washing machine (it's a coin operated machine). and the coin gives us 3 hours to wash. Now for the problem: I Don't have enough cloths to put in the washine machine for 3 hours (we can do 2 laundry's in 2 hours) in one week. But on the other hand I don't have enough cloths to NOT do my laundry at least once a week. So thats a thing I have to kind of figure out.

Well that's about it for the new chapters of my storie. That is, unless you want to add the chapter: Current obsessions. I founf the site of the @home maid cafe by accident and have been hooked up on it ever since. I totally love the way it looks and the way it shows the profiles of the totally cute maids. I really want to go to the @home cafe if I go to Japan. And I looked at the blogs some of the maids have. I saw most of the blogs use a lot of Hirigana and little kanji. So i figured I could maybe use this little overly sweet addiction to help me keep up with reading Hirigana (and the kanji they use).
Just so you don't worry, I only look at it when I have finished my homework.

I think that's all for today. I should get some more tea and study the rest of my katakana now.
I hope you enjoyed this little update on the chapters of my life.

*waves* BaiBai