Hello my dear readers,
For those who live in Holland (or around Holland), have you noticed? Spring has finally started! Isn't it great? The sun in shining, people smile more often, and couples pop up everywhere! It makes me feel all the more shitty because I feel depressed when everything should be great!
Normally spring would be my most favorite season. I love how the flowers bloom, how the sun is nice and doesn't burn of your skin the moment you step out of the house, baby sheep are being born! The green is young and the clouds lovely white and fluffy! Normally I love this. But this year around, I might even hate it more then I did last year.
Spring turns out the be the season I get the most hardship thrown my way. Last year it was my exam -and even though I put up a decent collection I still fucked up because it wasn't MY collection, but the collection I had to make for school-, this year it's my grades and the maybe end of my going to school. Along with some other shit that happened that are really all my own fault. Which of course makes it suck even more.
I just started recovering from my winter depression and now I suddenly got a spring depression! And I'm pretty sure it's not going to be fixed by swallowing medication or putting myself under a special lamp.
I really need to find something fun to do for myself or something. I promised a classmate I would make cookies again sometime soon. But you know what? The thing about cookies, pie, cake and muffins is, that I love making them and I Love to see my friends and other people enjoy them, but I dislike them myself. I don't taste them for some reason.
My classmate said my room smelled like cookies, apparently. My ex always used to tell me I smelled like fresh baked cookies. Could that be the reason I can't taste my own baking? One more thing I ruin for myself. But in this case there is very little I can do about it I guess.
But I guess since I made the promise, I'm going to be baking coconut cookies soon. Maybe I'll make cinnamon muffins as well, maybe. At least m gonna get praised for it, and I get to see my friends enjoy my baking again. Its one of the little things I enjoy in life, I guess. It's just to bad the fear of one day loosing those praises, or smiling faces always looms in the back of my head.
I will shut up todays rant now.
Until next the next, hopefully more happy rant.