Hello my dears,
Today I'm having a bit of a down feeling. So I'm going to rant for a bit. Its pretty much a bullshit rant, I don't even know why I'm posting it, and I might take it down in a few days.
My day started out pretty well. I had a bit of a problem getting up, which isn't really all that normal for me, but hey, it happens. I actually had a small headache but I know thats because of the stress I'm having now (stress makes me clench my teeth together in my sleep, so my jaw hurts, which makes my teeth and my head hurt).
I dolled myself up cutely, I took the time to curl my hair and put on a cute dress.
And thats how I started my day!
At school.. It kind of started going down hill. For some reason I was already not feeling completely happy. Not depressed but, not happy either. Normally we (our class) meet in the canteen and walk to the classroom together. If someone stays behind, there is bound to be at least one person waiting for that person. But, as you may have guessed at this point, I stayed behind and no one waited for me. I know they probably didn't mean anything by it, but I got a fear for being left behind/left out/left alone. So I tried to keep calm and tell myself that they didn't mean anything by it, they just didn't notice me staying behind.
I walked to some of my other classmates, they where standing outside, smoking, and joined them to walk to the classroom.
Class was... sort of okay... I'm having more and more trouble actually remembering all the things we are told. And while I don't forget it fully, its worrying me. It is only 1.5 more weeks until our final exams! And that is where my stress comes from pretty much. I'm super afraid I'll fail. I don't want to leave this school, or my new friends! And I love the idea of becoming a PR person in a Japanese fashion company! (its my goal!!!)
After class I guess my day went down hill. And.. right now m just.... I don't know what I want anymore. I still really really really want to continue with my current study but, I'm starting to feel I'm powerless in what I want. No matter how hard I try I don't seem to be making any progress.
My therapist (yes, once again, I go to a therapist and I'm not ashamed of it.) said that I'm turning my frustration for myself into frustration for other people, and I guess he's right. I started gossiping, already some time ago, but today I actually got hurt by the things I said. I pretty much hate myself for it now. I guess you could say, I finally realized what I was doing.
.. m not even sure why I'm writing this...I might take this down after a few days, who knows...
I would wanna write more, but I don't really want to become much more personal then this at the moment so~..