Sometimes...

Hi there,

I just want to write a little, so here I go.

I had a small panic attack today, followed by a hyperventilating attack that lasted from 1 pm to 7.30 pm or something. I'm used to having small panic attacks. I just try to stay as calm as possible. If I start panicking it just gets worse. But the hyperventilation was awful.
My mom and sister both have hyperventilation, where they have big attacks. So I know what they are. I already had small ones. But because I know what they are I could control those. But this one was big, really big, it was really awful.

What caused this panic and hyperventilation? I can't help but be slightly ashamed of it, but a classmate caused it. An absent classmates. While we were having a presentation in class.
And the stress of having our first real Japanese speaking class, with a real Japanese teacher, along with the fear of not doing it right, and failing.

Now something like this really shouldn't cause me to hyperventilate, should it? It really shouldn't. But it does. Now I do have to admit there's a lot more to the classmate story then just the above, but I'm not going to post it all on the internet.

And I have a huge fear of failure. My failure. My thoughts behind that are these:
If I fail something I will look stupid and people will think I'm stupid and not like me and thus I will end up alone.
Stupid? Yes. I can't get out of this way of thinking as fast as I wish I could, but luckily I at least know I'm not the only one with this way of thinking. And I know failure won't mean people will start disliking me. It helps.... but I still fear failing.

On the bright side:
I had a great birthday <3
I got 'happy birthday' wishes from a lot of friends (which makes me feel really loved)
A friend all but dragged me to go and get 'friet' with her friends (she didn't want me to be alone on my birthday).
And after I got home a housemate had baked me a pie <3 (we ate it with the whole house)

It was my first birthday away from home. And at first I was really sad. Because of personal reasons we're not celebrating my birthday until... November? That got me really sad (even if it means that in November we will get the whole family together). But this totally made my day. <3

I also want to say I miss my friends from my old school, I think of you a lot <3
And I really like my new friends, the ones I made at my new school. I hope we will have a fun school period together <3

Chibiohimesama